I stand at a cross roads in my life. I have been suffering from deep depression this season. This started out as nothing new. I typically suffer from seasonal depression. This year, however, has been different. My depression has been deep, dark, darker than any previous year. I’ve had trouble fighting it. I have had terrible thoughts this year, thoughts of which I am afraid and slightly ashamed. I feel as though I am losing myself, as though I am losing the part of me which I put forth for others to see.
I am not writing this to complain about my situation, or even to enlighten those I love about it. Those I love, my family and friends, already know, at the very least, something is off with me, if not the whole situation. I am writing this to put out there, in the world, that there are people whose depression this time of year is real. You are not alone. I am not alone. I was taught this lesson again this last week. In the midst of the struggle with depression sometimes we forget, but it is more important now than ever before. As our world seem hellbent on tear itself apart with bickering and backbiting.
I am here, people like me are hear. Two weeks ago, I was reminded I need to talk to people, to put my life in others’ hands as it will help me to continue to move forward. I am going to share something which I typically keep private. I am a Christian, I do not hide this. I have made several posts on this blog and others to identify this fact. (Let alone my other blogs which I write: BBM, BOG, and WM21 to name a few.) But, something I have kept private is my prayer-life. I did a challenge in 2016 to write 366 prayers, one a day for the whole year. Something which is weird, and is the reason why I keep my prayer-life private, is sometimes I feel God talk back to me. Now, I am not go to write a book about it, or a devotional, and if you bring up Sarah Young I will roll my eyes and ignore you, but there it is.
Two weeks ago I was praying to God about the fact I was struggling with depression and He answered me back (not the first time read above). I received a pretty severe tongue-lashing from God about not dealing with my relationships properly in this area of my life. He asked me why I was lying to the man I consider my pastor. (I attend a post-Plymouth Brethren assembly where we have no paid staff whatsoever and no Pastors when referring to the ordained minister type most other congregations have. We do have a Council of Elders and a Deacons Board and so on, but no official clergy of any kind.) Why have I been lying to John Z. about how I am doing when we get together for coffee. He asks me, every time, “How are you?” and my response typically is “Fine,” or “Alright”. This is a lie and it is so every time.
I was shocked. I was flabbergasted, totally broadsided by this. I didn’t think about the fact I was lying to John. It was natural for me to answer this question this way. I, typically, am a private person. I was shy growing up, and my mother is a shy person, so, the natural response about problems is we solve them at home. We don’t air our dirty laundry as it were. The Lord proved to me this was not the best way several years ago, and has been having to work on me in this area ever since. I have been in out of counseling with John over the past decade for many different reasons. He has always taken a large interest in my life and God called my attention back to that.
So, all of this to say, I suffer from depression and am suffering right now. However, I do know the Lord is always there even though I don’t feel Him all the time. I also know there are people in my life who deeply care about me and want to help me in any way they can. This does not always help in the midst of my depression, but it does bring some light into the darkness of situation.
I hope you can find someone to talk to. If you feel like you want to talk. Feel free to e-mail me. I always have a listening ear.